I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“I wouldn’t.”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans