Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*