The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
You Might Also Like
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus