It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
The best plant holders?
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.