I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
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Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.