Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
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I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
become ungovernable
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!