The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
The glockness monster
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..