I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
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If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I love you…
…r dog.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”