*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one