her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Respect
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge