robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)