Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁