Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
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One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I bet birds love this building.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Breaking news:
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
IT’S-A ME,
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday