God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
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A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen