If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app