Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
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I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?