I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Never forget.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls