[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
OH. COME. ON.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school