I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
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Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up