Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
(Electricians.)
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
This sounds bad:
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening