me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Why are bridges so flammable.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Finally
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”