Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
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Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses