That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
You Might Also Like
Bro what is this
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Pot warmers of the day.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)