lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
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I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.