My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Strange
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider