My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Cinematography is my passion
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.