[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
You Might Also Like
you know what ruined my childhood? children
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
*updates tinder bio*
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me