Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Spa day..😅
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down