Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
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I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.