If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
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girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Morning my dudes.
Someone just threatened to call me later
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going