Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
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Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
October already? What’s next? November????
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it