Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
PARKOUR
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?