If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.