Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.