School be like
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My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“