I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better