Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.