[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
#parenting
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you