If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Growing out my freckles.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again