I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
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Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.