Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
what day is it?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’