If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
secret recipe
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.