[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in