When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.