Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.