Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.