As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
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After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.