Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
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Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.