Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Yet the one time I did, I got banned