I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Well, that didn’t work.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis